What I esteem is—-bullshit!

one of those days! yet again….doesn’t matter if your day went well…or if  there is nothing that you can really complain about….just a thought you chase & there * BOOM* …that was  your supposed good mood exploding out of the bleeding walls.

I am weak mentally, in ways you won’t expect me to….I can take on almost anything (i like to believe that)  but it could just be a niggle of a thought….a tiny hint of impossibility or even possibility of something and everything  just comes crashing down. And I lie in the rubble, wondering when was it that i had set the whole process in motion.

In a world where we are surrounded by the stinky, suffocating humanity at every step, how is it that you find yourself alone? And instead of rejoicing in the tiny bit of solitude that you have managed to snatch from the jaws of this fire-spewing dragon, you freaking make a mess of it! How? Why?

I always talk of going somewhere, where there are no people. On this occasionally read forum, let me confess something. I don;t have the guts to do it. I can spin the most believable stories about having a life removed from this subtractive,  prophylactic, distressingly inane humanity. I could build the most convincing castles about the life that is so within my reach if I take that first step towards it. I could talk about all of it & you would believe every bit of what i say & perhaps even want a part of it. But at the end of it all, when all the castles have been built, all the dreams have been dreamt, all the plans made, all the goddamn maps drawn, I will not budge from this mire. I will not move one single muscle of me. I will, for the life of me, fucking refuse to believe.

I don’t have the guts.  I don’t have that stupidity of purpose. I don’t possess the nerve. To make that one single transition towards freedom. To set apart whatever that i don’t even hold dear and close. To move away from the very things that are holding me back. To bloody give up & go after that one thing that i know i will die craving for.

I am like anyone else. Stupid, foolish, stagnant, mediocre, stuck. No i am not.

I am worse. Because I realised what was wrong, I identified the problem. But just because I was scared of change & of what I would be faced with, I decided to forsake the freedom, the idea of freedom itself.

There are things worse than failure. One of them is INACTION.