There is a fundamental difference between the way men and women change once they are in love. It is the men who turn more dependent and women, more assertive. This is only in relation to each other. I find it interesting the way men relinquish control of their lives. Well, almost.

I am not from here. I am before my time. Or maybe a bit too late. Too high. Thoughts of me. Thoughts that matter as much as the dust under my feet. A look and it said it all. Scorn. Was their scorn in it? Could I be gone before I do what I want to? Purpose. Leave me for a bit more time on my own. Meanings. I am looking for meanings. The questions arrived too early. Just as well.

I hate and love layers. Hate- when conversations have to be deciphered. On people it is different. Have you lived at all if you haven’t put a few skins of your own?

There is no future I look forward to. There is nothing. What do I then live for? Life bereft of hope hasn’t much to claim for.

There is no dream, no person, no thing that can keep me here. Grounded. They all vanished in a spit of smoke.

Internet,

There is a fawning abyss that stretches before me. To let oneself go. Tell me, please, tell me their is no self pity in that. It is a sum of all the actions that I am surrounded with that is disappointing me. It adds up to very very little.

If I expect the same standards of conviction from those that I know, am I being wrong? Am I being unrealistically harsh on them?

I don’t want those who are malleable in the face of illogical arguments. I would rather live alone than be accompanied by those whose principles and actions are governed by ‘what is the easiest way out?’ I don’t want those whose cannot stand up for what they are. I don’t want those who think that because their heart was broken, I owe them an apology. This rules out everyone from my life. So would I prefer being alone?

Maybe. People are such a pain anyway.

You know something internet. There is a plan I have. And it is going to be very soon that I shall be gone. To never be found again. We’ll keep our goodbyes short and impersonal. I promise.

One of these days, I am going to slap myself out of this mood because even I am getting sick of the tone that I have adopted here. I don’t like the depressive stuff I write on this blog. About time I get happy about something.

He married her for her money. And she came to his home without a penny for she wanted love. They both deserved to be with people who were their kind. Fate threw them together and they reached a comfortable equilibrium. She learnt to ignore his women and he never asked about the empty bottles of whiskey under her bed. They had no reason to live. Then why did they? Because some get so used to getting beaten by life that they can’t think beyond the next battle they might have to fight.

It all seems to be slipping away, Internet. The job makes no difference any more. The dog is as misbehaved as they come. The father has pretty much discarded the only riff raff from his life. It has been three months since he last spoke to me. Writing is frustrating as ever. No new readers on this blog.

There is nothing that is there to hold me here or anywhere.

I have lost the thread to the reality of how I wanted my life and how I would make it the way I wanted. It is just chaos here. Various bits getting more fragmented. The frayed ends becoming undone with each blow. The mind was a place where I hid once. Ran for cover. Created the world that I wanted. It is the mind which is a traitor now. It is shutting its benevolent doors on me. And I really don’t know where to go now. Where?

You know, Internet, what I really want to do…. I want to pack my books and take my dog with me to Mandavi. And live a life of anonymity. Screw the world. And its people. I don’t want parents and friends and the love which I am led to believe is mine. No, I don’t want any of this. Then why is it I am still here? Coz I know that after 3 months of such blissful solitude, I will want to get back to this jungle. Because some people never ever learn.

Internet,

Blue Sunride is happy with the three hair-bands she bought yesterday. Wearing them takes her back to mornings of intense activity when she used to get ready to go to school. Reminds her of the water bottles and blue skirts; homework and report cards; lunch in tiffins and boring assemblies; national anthem and polished shoes; many holidays and maths; cycling days and friendship bands; crushes at first sight that felt so rightfully like love; punishments and fist fights.

Blue Sunride has a heart of pink cotton candy which melts when she looks at tiny puppies running to meet her.

Here is how I see it. I am not fighting a few people. I am fighting the world here. That world who thinks that just because you and me belong to different spheres of existence and way of life disqualifies us from being together. The world for whom the now decadent values are still the only things to swear by. I am fighting that world from which I want to protect you. So that it hurts you no more. So that the little innocent child that I see in you does not become cynical and defeated. So that I can preserve you with all your integrity and your wonder at that what life is. I am fighting a million people.

Crack up. Benign fissures. That announce the battles you lost. Wish and make it yours. The power of wants is such. Power. Just another word. Intoxicating still.

Mornings rush. And before you know it, the day is over. There was a time when I would begrudge the world for robbing me of this time. Now, with each passing day, I relish the sound of time gone by. What treat is there in waiting and wanting!

More of words and less of ‘my’ feelings makes it to this digital world. Is that all good? Perhaps, it is still about feelings. Only layered more now. There is a fellow blogger who is reading my posts back to front. I have a lot to thank him for apart from his patience. He is one of those people whom I don’t know and yet a trip to write here is made worthwhile. It is nice to know you are read.

Internet, I am losing my will to go for jogging every morning. Do something about it.