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Linking Up

May 11, 2017

Here is where I got published recently.

I have been doing a bit of writing recently. I have so much stuff saved on my computer and not many avenues to have it published, so when a friend suggested I contribute to the daily, I was more than eager.

When I was studying Journalism, I always felt that that was my calling. I interned with a few newspapers and a publishing house, with whom I eventually worked. That was when I realised that I am more of a laid-back writer, if I may use the term. I was just not cut out for chasing stories or people for them.

It has a lot to do with how I am as a person. While some can don the hat of an extrovert with great ease, and I do that in the social circles which I cannot escape, but in my heart I am happiest being left alone with my books/tea/dog. My finger tips will be too many to count the amount of friends I have. I love silences.

I remember my time as a journo. Oh! the palpitations I would feel. I become extremely self-conscious in crowds. Cannot talk cannot make eye-contact kinds. The press conferences were such a labour. Small talk with other journalists… I sucked at the whole thing to be honest. I remember once I had to cover a press conference for Longines, the watch company. Aishwarya Rai was giving out interviews since she was the brand ambassador. It was being held at the Race Course, Bangalore.

I asked for the way to the conference room as i got down from the auto. The person must have not heard me or I did not understand the directions to the said place correctly. I walked into this gate and there must have been about a thousand men waiting to gain entry perhaps to the Course. The terror I experienced when most of them turned to look my way cannot be put in words. I tried calling the concerned PR people but no one attended. Too terrified, I returned to the office and did get shouted at by my Editor but that was the day I decided to call it quits.

I am a quitter. A true-blue-blooded one at that. I don’t have the gumption to fight adversity. I just prefer changing course. My life is peppered with incidents where instead of persevering I have just hung my head in pseudo-shame and moved away.

Only sometimes even quitting is not an option.

I am lost. I have been that before but never to this a degree. Everything is working out for the better in my life- professionally, personally. And yet, I am deeply deeply deeply unhappy. I wake up feeling dead inspite of many hours of sleep. I get through the day only because I have no options. I used to do yoga and get an hour’s walk somehow. All that has stopped since many months now. I feel wretched about it but this inertia is just sucking me in. There is this fog and it is hugging me so tightly. And I cannot see beyond it. Something has to really jolt me out of this because this is no life and this is no way to live it.

What Gives

May 1, 2017

It won’t be easy. It will take many breaths. Nights of tears that turn to dry crust by dawn.It will be imperfect. Accomplished Victory. It will suck your life out. Out. Out. Out. It will make you free. The kinds where you will move with the music made for you, just you. Freedom. The taste of salty air on your tongue. Freedom. Like no one is watching your back. Freedom.

You will move on. With crippled feet, a bare soul and a chiselled  heart. With baby steps. That will turn into a waltz. With your life. The defeats. The triumphs. Your life. How you want it. Mostly. Yours alone. You share it with no one. The deepest parts of you. No one. Else. Haven’t you learnt? No one has your back. No one. You. Alone. Such Freedom.

Will you travel? To places. In this world. In your mind. In your being. In your Soul. The heavy bits. The frivolous bits. The bits that make the load too heavy to carry. The bits that make you ache. Deeply. Those bits. The bits that bring you life. The bits that make you immortal. The eyes that see you as hero. Those bits. The bits that make you end you. The shards of you that you left in various corners. Will you travel?

You will learn. Not all hands offer a shake. Not all shoulders are for sharing joy. Not all hugs are by friends. Watch. That hand has a dagger. That shoulder is waiting to carry your coffin. That hug is to suck every living atom out of you. Learn. You are your hugest friend.

Don’t dim the lights. Don’t make yourself small to fit. Their boxes are their problems. Soar. Like the sunlight. Shine. Be. Don’t feel fear. Trust. Your own self. These hands. This mind. Yours Alone.

Live. Be. One life. Live till you die. Live. Make your history. Every day. One decade. So what? Seven more before you. Live. Move on from the black. Yellow. Blue. Pink. The colours of your life. Till you meet the white.

Dream. Dream. Big ones. The ones that cannot fit in one night. That need years. THAT big. That need toil. That demand blood. And tears too. That big. Mammoth ones. Dream.

Happy. No bad days. Dare life. Dare the demons.

 

Live.

 

One.More.Time. With Feeling

April 15, 2017

That is what this is about…

Been four years and more since I met this old friend. We kind of parted ways. Blue Sunride came to symbolise whatever that was wrong with my life. Sometimes we chop off the hand that holds us the tightest through shit. It is self-destruction. It is the only way that we can feel powerful.

So why I have returned to the lair?

Someone reminded me that it existed. The Last Commentor on ‘Who Me?’, To Be or Not To Be- You brought me back to the surface.

I dealt with shit and it is out of my life, for now. For how long, I do not know but from here till then, I am relearning to breathe. I am going to live while I can.

Sometimes, the violence is not visible.. Sometimes people violate our hearts and souls. Sometimes the damage hides beneath layers of overwhelming shame and excessive self-doubt but does that deny its unapologetic reality? I have no scars to show for the abuse I experienced so does that negate it? Where do I go for justice? Is there any?

While this is a period of magnificent transformation for me, I am hurting. Deeply. In ways and degrees that I cannot put into words. Hell is here, in my mind.

What gives me strength to deal with this is that I AM MY OWN SAVIOUR, my own knight in shining armour, my own God. I was and I stay INVINCIBLE.

 

PS: The next few posts maybe depressive. I make no apologies for that. I just have to get all this out of my system so that I can heal.

December 16, 2012

Her cry was more like a long, never-it-could-end wail. It could have shook mountains. It could have, perhaps, moved a few hearts. She waited for him to come, all the while a little of her heart disintegrating with each ticking second. She waited and she wailed. Sadly, the clock kept ticking and she kept breathing. The wail silent as snow. The breathing regular as the precision of night and day. She strangled him to death in her heart. She died with him that day.

D-Unkown

September 5, 2012

I got lost… the calendar full… the future empty. Where was I? The best comes to those who wait? I waited and just got lost. And I wish I could say it was as simple as that.

The music lingers to remind of how far I have come from who I wanted to be. It is more like a death knell, the dong of the bell just after the noose is cast around your neck and just before you can finish saying goodbye to those who mattered. Just just before you lose the last foothold on life and hang out like a sheet to dry. Immaterial and dead.

No, getting lost is tough. Specially when you are careless. Like every breath, every thought a reminder that you are trying to get lost. I would not feel it so much, perhaps, had I been gone away and forever from this. But goddamit, the words, they shall save me always.

The withered, broken, splintered dead of the night can be as stealthy as it wishes but the mind has its own scores to settle. And while the body lies on the hard bed, recounting the days of glory and of failure, why forget failure, in line with the mess of the mind, taut and awake, the soul pleads, begs relentlessly for shame to come and the guilt to set in. But we are shameless. We are. The guilt has no place. It will always be a matter of choice. And so we turn the other side and think our life through, once more.

Sometimes, the background scores just don’t match life. Or is it always.

D1

May 13, 2012

S is an artist, in the deepest and the superficial bit of his heart. And yet, he is to take this aspect of his life and turn into something fantastic. I wish it was just about that first step that we feel too shy to take. But after having pretty much majored in postponing your dreams, I understand what is keeping him from getting started, that first brushstroke.

It goes by the name of complacency. Comfort Zone. One day I will get there scenario.

That little room, more like a quicksand, with gum too, is such a comfortable place that it is just so nice to complain from there. That little muddy spot that grows larger and larger everyday until it phases out whatever you really cared about and dreamt towards. That is complacency.

* I have met some petty people in the world, but the present lot I am dealing with is by far the worst. It is either their way or no other way. And they are position of power. Why is power so blinding? Why do we forget that a reign ends sooner or later. Wasn’t there something about being nice to people on your way up since you will be meeting them on your way down. Is it mental growth that the attitudes that would have completely pissed me off a year ago, just bring pity out of me? It has to be. It has to be. 

*This is going to be a series till I get my groove back.

 

* Once upon a t…

May 6, 2012

* Once upon a time, I knew someone who was kind, intuitive, relaxed. Then he went to another country. Now he comes across as brash and brazen and sometimes a non-feeling person. I know I cannot blame a country and its lifestyle and its people for what it did to my friend. But don’t our societies affect us subconsciously? And if they do, then it is but natural for us to become how others in those societies that we live in expect us to be. So at a very subconscious level, we adopt the mannerisms, language nuances and set up defenses around our hearts and minds. We change. 

Is it the fear of this change that always made me fear leaving my country? Yes and that I cannot bear to be away from its dynamics for a long time. I love this India, with all its good and its bad. There is nothing in this country that I cannot embrace. I hate its myopic understanding of things sometimes, I hate its in ability ti rise above itself and i hate so many more things. But as a whole, as a sum total for what it contains and what it aspires to be, I love this goddamn country to bits. Regressive it may seem, but I could never get myself to shift abroad because I feared that I would never be able to love it the same way. 

* I can’t get enough of Terry Pratchett. Where was this man all my life? Every time I read something profound by this man, I am at a loss of words on how well and beautifully he has put across something.