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May 11, 2017

Here is where I got published recently.

I have been doing a bit of writing recently. I have so much stuff saved on my computer and not many avenues to have it published, so when a friend suggested I contribute to the daily, I was more than eager.

When I was studying Journalism, I always felt that that was my calling. I interned with a few newspapers and a publishing house, with whom I eventually worked. That was when I realised that I am more of a laid-back writer, if I may use the term. I was just not cut out for chasing stories or people for them.

It has a lot to do with how I am as a person. While some can don the hat of an extrovert with great ease, and I do that in the social circles which I cannot escape, but in my heart I am happiest being left alone with my books/tea/dog. My finger tips will be too many to count the amount of friends I have. I love silences.

I remember my time as a journo. Oh! the palpitations I would feel. I become extremely self-conscious in crowds. Cannot talk cannot make eye-contact kinds. The press conferences were such a labour. Small talk with other journalists… I sucked at the whole thing to be honest. I remember once I had to cover a press conference for Longines, the watch company. Aishwarya Rai was giving out interviews since she was the brand ambassador. It was being held at the Race Course, Bangalore.

I asked for the way to the conference room as i got down from the auto. The person must have not heard me or I did not understand the directions to the said place correctly. I walked into this gate and there must have been about a thousand men waiting to gain entry perhaps to the Course. The terror I experienced when most of them turned to look my way cannot be put in words. I tried calling the concerned PR people but no one attended. Too terrified, I returned to the office and did get shouted at by my Editor but that was the day I decided to call it quits.

I am a quitter. A true-blue-blooded one at that. I don’t have the gumption to fight adversity. I just prefer changing course. My life is peppered with incidents where instead of persevering I have just hung my head in pseudo-shame and moved away.

Only sometimes even quitting is not an option.

I am lost. I have been that before but never to this a degree. Everything is working out for the better in my life- professionally, personally. And yet, I am deeply deeply deeply unhappy. I wake up feeling dead inspite of many hours of sleep. I get through the day only because I have no options. I used to do yoga and get an hour’s walk somehow. All that has stopped since many months now. I feel wretched about it but this inertia is just sucking me in. There is this fog and it is hugging me so tightly. And I cannot see beyond it. Something has to really jolt me out of this because this is no life and this is no way to live it.

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